Doing the Religious Right

Today, many devout Christians demonstrated their piety by putting some soot on their foreheads. Though their intentions may have been noble, the decision to wear the cross is rather half-ashed.¹ Old traditions die hard, I guess. Well, as a public service to those poor, misguided souls, I shall now recount the proper way to truly commemorate Ash Wednesday. It’s really fairly simple:

1. Go to a deserted cabin in the woods.
2. Accidentally summon some demons.
3. Chop off your right hand; replace it with a chainsaw.
4. Go back in time.
5. Accidentally summon more demons.
6. Save the day whilst spouting cheesy 80s sayings.
   

You see, Ash Wednesday isn’t about repenting; it’s about repelling. Repelling the undead hordes. Come get some.


(By the way, you probably celebrated Fat Tuesday wrong, too. Here's what you should have done.)


¹ Yeah, I went there.